Where I get a free lawyer?

Aight so i go to da court house today to see judge jackson bout sum shopliftin i did a couple munfs ago when i be tryin to stuff sum g drank in muh shorts at da cono sto. Sho nuf walkin out i see da vendin machine wif muh favorite fanta g drank. so i go ova der and put muh seventy five cents in dat i get from da big fountain at da mall. i gets muh drank and i so happy i open it up and it go spraying on muh urrwhere. den sum foo guard have da nerve to come up and tell me i gots to clean it up. i say oh so cuz i black u think i a janitor? he escort me out da building! where i gets me a public defender? i gon sue da court house and dat vendin machine. bunifa don play!